Maybe...

Maybe this is the answer. Maybe I've spent too much time away from here becoming more and more confused and overwhelmed with these thoughts of loneliness, grief and a contented sense of achievement. Perhaps all I needed to do was return to my safe space, where all my thoughts form words that form sentences that some times don't make much sense to neither me nor my reader but have an immense capacity to free my soul. Maybe this is just what I need to do; get the words out to clear space for me to function 'normally', if how I function can be described as normal.

My life has become increasingly complex since I dropped out of University in December of 2010. I say complex because I refuse to search for another word to describe the lopsided manifestations of extreme glee and intense sadness that have filled my days since. ..."And I, in my darkened threshold, am pawing though my pockets, the receipts, bus schedules, the matchbook, phone numbers, the urgent napkin poems; all of which laundering has rendered pulpy an strange, loose change and a key." This is my life and all of the circumstances that have created the conditions which I now live under have taught me lessons that will stay with me forever.

My father's death taught me a great deal, about the true uncertainty of life. Most people survive through each day and a few try to live each day like it's there last. But it's my opinion that living either way is a tad mundane and so "inside-the-box" and living each day like it's your last may just make it your last day. I now choose to live each day like it's my first, making a conscious effort to enjoy each opportunity with the fresh eyes of a babe, the wonderment of a child and a cultivated sense of innocence and curiosity that affords me such grand perspective. And strangely, I find that rather than count myself insignificant in the vastness of the universe, how favored I realize I am to exist and to carry on the legacy of a great man, "A Giant in my Eyes".

I could scarcely retrace the steps that my father and I had previously walked together, far less for even attempting to lace up his wing-tips and walk more than a few steps, but I have found a way to keep his legacy alive. His words live through me. "Always have your own!" "Love those who care about you!" "Care about those who love you!" "Be a good man!" "Research your opinion and stand for what you believe in!".....And I Love It!!! 

Maybe this WAS what I needed!!!